We want healthy relationships with our partners, family and when we are co-parenting. There may be some level of conflict between parents and families, which is often a normal part of everyday life. However, where inter-parental or family conflict is frequent, intense, and poorly resolved it can have a significant negative impact on our children.
Destructive parental conflict is frequent, intense, and poorly resolved. It can happen even if parents are no longer in a relationship together but are still co-parenting (co-parent means that you or your child is in contact with their other parent, and you are still raising your child together). It can place children and young people at risk of mental health issues, as well as behavioural, social, and academic problems. It can harm children’s outcomes even when parents manage to keep a positive parent-child relationship.
Destructive conflict can include:
- arguments, shouting and aggression
- silence
- saying negative things about the other parent in front of children
- lack of respect
- lack of resolution
Children who are exposed to disruptive arguments will feel vulnerable and confused about what might happen because of the conflict, leading to feelings of emotional insecurity. Parental conflict teaches our children that shouting, arguing, and blaming is acceptable.
Parental conflict can put children at more risk of:
- having problems with school and learning
- negative peer relationships
- physical health problems
- smoking and substance misuse
- mental health and wellbeing challenges
It can happen within any relationship including:
- parents who are in a relationship with each other, whether married or not
- parents who have separated or divorced
- biological and ‘step’ parents
- foster and adoptive parents
- same sex couples
- other family members who have parenting roles
It is estimated that across England more than 11% of children and young people live in homes where parental conflict exists between their parents or separated parents.
Exposure to destructive parental conflict is associated with a wide range of problems for children, young people, and long-term life outcomes. These can include:
- reduced academic attainments
- negative peer relationships and difficulties with their friendships
- substance misuse as young people or later in life
- poor future relationship chances, more arguments, separations, and divorce in their own relationship when they are adults
- low employability
- a higher risk of relationships where there is domestic abuse
- mental health difficulties, such as anxiety and depression
Ask yourself these 3 key questions about frequency, resolution, and intensity:
- how frequently are you arguing with your partner or co-parent – daily, weekly, monthly?
- do you keep arguing about the same things or different things, and are arguments resolved well or not well?
- are your arguments intense, leaving feelings of high emotion?
If you are arguing daily or weekly about things that are not getting resolved, and these arguments leave you feeling highly emotional – this could be a sign that you are experiencing destructive parental conflict in your relationship with your partner or co-parent.
Parental conflict and domestic abuse are two separate things. Sometimes destructive parental conflict will develop into domestic abuse, but this is not always the case.
Your relationship is abusive if:
- your partner or co-parent wants to hold all the power and control
- you are afraid of them
- they have used physical violence towards you, recently or in the past
The abuse will likely have happened more than once, or you might have noticed patterns in the abuse or triggers in the abuse like alcohol.
If you think your relationship is abusive you can get help by visiting our domestic abuse pages.
If you’re a parent or carer who is experiencing conflict within your relationship, you may want additional support in managing that conflict. There is support and resources you can access free of charge.
You can contact or email us on the following numbers for advice or support. However, before contacting us check to see if we can answer your questions by taking part in the Understanding Parental Conflict Programme, which can be found in the section below.
- Adele Aldred - Senior Strengthening Families Workers
- adele.aldred@wolverhampton.gov.uk
- 07545501329
- Charlotte Maher-Butler - Strengthening Families Delivery Manager
- charlotte.maher-butler@wolverhampton.gov.uk
- 07552211560
- Glenn Evans - Senior Strengthening Families Workers
- glenn.evans@wolverhampton.gov.uk
- 07773188495
- Julie Baker - Family Learning Co-ordinator
- julie.baker@wolverhampton.gov.uk
- 07584 491030
- Nicola Shelton - Senior Strengthening Families Workers
- nicola.shelton@wolverhampton.gov.uk
- 07771836742
- MASH (Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub)
- 01902 555392
- MASH@wolverhampton.gov.uk
The course is online, it is not presented by a facilitator or tutor so it can be accessed at your leisure anywhere and anytime.
The following websites have resources that you might find helpful:
- See It Differently - information and videos about parental conflict
- Relate OnePlusOne - relationship advice
- Cafcass - grown-ups - support for parents or carers, as well as professionals
- Cafcass - resources for parents and carers